Monday, May 15, 2017

Awful monotony

I've been having extreme mood swings where days are radically different.

Whee!  All aboard the shit coaster!

One day I'm upbeat, energetic, productive, grateful, and optimistic. The little things don't bother me. I'm confident I will tackle them and they are manageable. I will get things done. My thoughts are quick. They bubble up to the surface. It feels like basking in a relaxing hot spring.  I want to spend time with my family. They are so supportive and they fill me with energy, hope, and love.  I can feel my positive attitude affecting them. It feels so light and effortless. I feel lucky to have my job and my home.

Then, the very next day is the extreme opposite. There is a multi-day streak that feels as if I've been in a deep depression for months. I'm dejected, sad, and hopeless.  At all times a crying jag is three minutes away. The household tasks I've procrastinated are overwhelming. I loathe myself for putting them off for so long. I want desperately to be alone. My family isn't loving, they are an insatiable obligation. They won't leave me alone. They want to spend time with me all day long. They are crushingly dependent on my job and my income. Our lives would completely fall apart if I lost my job. And I don't think I can take my job another day. I'm failing at it. I'm behind. I'm going to blow it. I start late, nap during lunch, and barely get anything done. I can't focus. My moods affect my family and I resent them. They aren't caring but instead are helplessly dependent. I feel their disappointment as they resign themselves to my sudden descent into negativity. The guilt is overwhelming. I feel pressured to maintain a stable mood and shield them from the hell that is consuming me. They see a "bad mood" and I don't think they realize the suicidal thoughts that just won't stop. They see "impatience" and not the rage I can barely suppress. Sometimes I want to hurt them in the most savage way I can imagine. The desperate desire to get away. Feeling trapped and helpless because there's no way to escape this pain without crushing their lives. So I feel even more alone and I want to avoid them even more. I don't have the energy to keep up the facade.

The irony is that it's all so tiresome.  Somehow... the emotional whiplash just gets to be the new normal.  Swinging from love to repulsion.  It's exhausting.  But it just isn't surprising anymore.  Hurrah.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Vyvanse malestrom

I realize this is a cheesy image
I really need to get off the Vyvanse.

I'm almost positive it's giving me terrible mood swings.  It wasn't this bad when I first started taking it. At first it kind of went like this :

1) Take Vyvanse
2) After about 30 minutes it starts kicking in.
3) Feel upbeat and as if I will be able to accomplish all my goals
4) Stay focused for 6-8 hours
5) Effects slowly wear off followed by a period of irritability and low energy.  Thoughts on the future and what I will be able to accomplish turn pessimistic.

Slowly over time the different mental states became more and more extreme while the  transitions between those states became sudden and jarring.

NOTE: This is an older post.  I am actually off the Vyvanse now and I think it was a good decision.  I'll write more later!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Code monkey trap

Work stress is nearly unbearable right now.  Deadlines are speeding toward me.  I am juggling two different projects both with imminent due dates.  I am the more or less the sole person responsible for the success or failure of the projects.  If something goes wrong it will be my ass on the line.

It's not surprising I am not handling the stress well.  To try to make these deadlines I am working from 8 pm to 11 pm every night this week.  It doesn't look like it's going to be enough.  What's worse is that after 11 pm I feel deprived of having any time to myself so I've been staying up until 1 am.  And to get Curly Jones on the bus, I've got to get up at 6:10.  The ultimate trap is that during the day when I should be busting it out at work... I'm

  • Exhausted
  • Emotionally fragile from the sleep deprivation
  • Dejected about working last night
  • Pissed that I will work that night
  • Freaked out about how I'm not getting enough done

So what is the result of all that?  I am unfocused.  I am not productive.  On two days I've even walked away for two hours.  And there's the trap.  An unproductive day necessitates working that night.  The stress, exhaustion, resentment build.  The productivity drops.  The distance between Mary and I widens.


Image credit: bear trap

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The painbirds are here

What a shitty 3 weeks it's been.  Vyvanse hasn't made me immune to the depression that always comes this time of year.  I had hoped it would help. Perhaps it has made it less severe, but, of course there's no way to know that.

I don't even know what to summarize things since I was posting somewhat regularly.  It's been a very long time. I've often thought of writing. It's pretty obvious I often have doubts I have anything worthwhile to say. My free time starts after 7:30 at night which on the one hand is a luxurious amount of time before bed. On the other hand I'm usually tired and lazy by that time. I frequently disappear into my phone. Unfortunately I've developed a habit of reading the news, which almost certainly is not good for my mental health.  Maybe I'll get back to blogging..

Friday, October 21, 2016

Noon at Ray's

Time plus two hours and thirty minutes.

Current time: 1:41 pm

Reason, readability, speedily, hurriedly

Free wi-fi for one hour for being T-Mobile customer. Whoo-hoo!!

Baby I could be your man.

National Geographic. Scientific American. Kindle Seveneves. Kindle Ted Chiang short story.


Thursday, October 20, 2016

Fluid - Aqua

Nick Cave by Bleddyn Butcher Oct 2012
And then we called upon the Author to explain

America's lost somewhere inside of Littleton
Eleven million children are on Ritalin
That's way I don't rhyme for the sake of riddlin'
False media, we don't need it, do we?
Pilgrims, Slaves, Indian, Mexican
It looks real fucked up for your next of kin
That's why I don't rhyme for the sake of riddlin'
False media

All this talk is getting me down (work that more)
Nothing's making sense in my brain (work that right side left side)
I'm moving words in coarse of today (more that more)
Trying hard to fix through the pain (inside outside left side work the floor)
I'm waiting to the thought that we came (inside outside up top down with more)
Only to discover I'm aged (work that inside outside)
And blow a quart of love in your frame (work that more)
And watch things drop down (work that right side left side more that more)
And watch things drop down (inside outside left side work the floor)
And watch things drop down (inside outside up top down with more)
And watch things drop down