May 15, 2017

Awful monotony

(In which I whine about how mood swings get really old)

I've been having extreme mood swings where days are radically different.  One day I'm upbeat, energetic, productive, grateful, and optimistic. The little things don't bother me. I'm confident I will tackle them and they are manageable. I will get things done.  My thoughts are quick. They bubble up to the surface. It feels like basking in a relaxing hot spring.

April 20, 2017

Vyvanse malestrom

(In which I moan about ADD medication)

I really need to get off the Vyvanse.

I'm almost positive it's giving me terrible mood swings.  It wasn't this bad when I first started taking it.

March 2, 2017

Code monkey trap

(In which I complain about my job)

Work stress is nearly unbearable right now.  Deadlines are speeding toward me.  I am juggling two different projects both with imminent due dates.  I am the more or less the sole person responsible for the success or failure of the projects.  If something goes wrong it will be my ass on the line.

January 15, 2017

The painbirds are here

(In which I whine about the onset of January depression)

What a shitty 3 weeks it's been.  Vyvanse hasn't made me immune to the depression that always comes this time of year.  I had hoped it would help. Perhaps it has made it less severe, but, of course there's no way to know that.
I don't even know what to summarize things since I was posting somewhat regularly.  It's been a very long time. I've often thought of writing. It's pretty obvious I often have doubts I have anything worthwhile to say. 

May 19, 2016

The glass isn't half anything

(In which I rant about the glass being half full or half empty)

There has been depression, marital distress, and other stuff happening.  None of which I felt like blogging about particularly.  So I revert back to the daily prompt document I have.  The silly prompt for the day I checked (almost a week ago) was "Is the glass half-full, or half-empty?"

April 28, 2016

Recovering from someone else's surgery

(In which I become worthless)

On Monday I drove my parents to a hospital an hour away to get my dad's battery changed that powers his deep brain stimulation for Parkinson's.  It was a minor surgery that lasted less than an hour, went off without a hitch, and he continues to make a painless recovery.

April 20, 2016

God's not dead vs. God doesn't exist

(In which I pretend to know something about something)

I don't have much to talk about my daily life or thoughts on bipolar recently.  I also like to rant into the ether.  I picture myself foaming at the mouth shouting to the void.  So... this is a rant about the title only of the "God's Not Dead" films. Some things to note:

I am not intentionally trying to be inflammatory or attack anyone's views.  I am more irritated with the choice of the title as it seems disingenuous.

April 18, 2016

Are we the Albert Alexander of mental illness?

(In which I am jealous of the possible mental health treatments available in the future)

I saw this thing on TV once about Albert Alexander who got an infection from a cut from a rose thorn, started to get better from manufactured penicillin, but then died from the infection because they could not manufacture enough penicillin in time.

April 15, 2016

Target parking lot "Atmosphere"

This Wednesday night I had a tantrum with Mary that (in hindsight) was really juvenile.  I was exhausted after work.  I could barely keep my eyes open even sitting up straight.  It was ten minutes before Phillip's (my son with autism if you haven't read earlier posts) bedtime.  I started to think whether my exhaustion was due to work or whether I was at a low energy point due to mental illness.  Feelings of self-pity and entitlement flooded through me.  I thought, "How often do I really reach for help from Mary?  Don't I hold my own most of the time?  I am so exhausted I'm not sure I can even handle putting him to bed. What a help it would be if she would do it for me!"

April 12, 2016

Why I am going to blog about my bipolar medications

(In which I act superior)

Update: I've decided I'm not really going to write about my medications.  Not specifically.

I must first say that the obvious reason I'll talk about my medications is because no one is reading this and I'm anonymous.  I have a disclaimer stating I'm an idiot, ahem, not a professional.  If you think you should learn anything from my medications you should not.

April 11, 2016

Landscaping therapy

(In which I think about how I never exercise)

I spent most of the weekend landscaping my front yard.  As a birthday present my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Mary's dad all pitched in Sunday morning as well.  That may have been the best birthday present I've ever received.  Today I am extremely sore.  I was using muscles I don't normally use and pushing my weak-ass body to its limits.

April 8, 2016

Is Twitter good for my mental health?

(In which I feel so cool because I joined Twitter)

I'm new to Twitter (follow me as  @frustratedmess!) which is probably obvious to maybe the one follower who is actually reading my tweets.  I'm trying to follow the etiquette.  I like and retweet other's tweets.

April 7, 2016

Am I truly unashamed?

Today there is an effort to get #imnotashamed trending on Twitter.  I've tried to do my part by tweeting.  Not sure if multiple tweets by the same user really gets a trend going. 

I've been thinking whether I am completely without shame.  What would that mean?  I've tried to break it down into as many social areas where I could feel shame.

April 6, 2016

Do I speak gently or harshly?

Daily prompt for April 6th - Head to your favorite blog.  Scroll down to the third post in the list.  Take the third sentence in the post, and work it into a new post of your own.

One of my new favorite blogs is dad;diagnosed and this post On Advocacy happened to be the third post down.  The third sentence is "Do I speak gently or harshly?"

I have to admit I cheated a bit and went to another blog first, but the sentence was about kidney pain.  This second one I visited... what luck!  It's a quote from the Patimokkha specifically the samma vaca which is about "right speech" in Buddhism.   I don't claim to know a lot about Buddhism.  I did take a course in eastern philosophy but that was a long time ago.  But what an amazingly appropriate excerpt to quote relating to advocacy, the purpose of blogging, and reacting to comments.  If you are interested in any of those things I encourage you to read the post!

However, the prompt is to work it into a new post of my own.  I've already written a "meta" post about blogging and undoubtedly I will write more.  I should reflect on that sentence only.  So here goes...

As a parent I always regret those times I speak harshly.  I almost always wish I had spoke more gently.  It never seems called for after the moment passes.  Perhaps that's because as a depressive perfectionist I am constantly reviewing things I could have done better and beating myself up about it.  In other words, I ruminate as a habit and probably blow things out of proportion as to how bad they really were.  My reflections cannot be trusted.  They are most likely out of touch with reality.

Despite all that, I am confident that I have gone overboard at times.  And haven't all parents?  My mom told me she would sometimes pray at night for God to make us forget that day, that she had been too rough with us.  I don't remember her that way so maybe God answered her prayers!

It's easy to think that one should speak gently, but obviously takes a great deal of mindfulness to maintain that.  It doesn't help when Phillip lashes out by swiping my glasses, slapping, or even biting.  It can be extremely difficult to speak gently then.  But dramatic reactions and harsh tones only end up encouraging him more.  It has become an exercise in mindfulness to be aware that at any time he is capable of exploding at you, and to be prepared for how I will react.  We talked to his therapist a few weeks ago and one of the things she simplified for us was that he is probably doing it because he wants something or wants to get out of something.  Our goal must be to not let him get out of something if he behaves that way.  We must pause and then continue what we were doing.  It is hard!

Image credit: Dharma wheel