September 30, 2015

Alcohol, energy, and agitation

Today I returned to my serious worrying about my drinking.  What effect is it having on me?  I realize it's really stupid given all the medication I'm on.  But ever since my brother died it's become more and more of a habit, drinking probably 5 nights a week.

This is what happened last few days
    Saturday - drank
    Sunday - felt OK, didn't drink
    Monday - felt very down, hard to concentrate, didn't drink
    Tuesday - felt very down, hard to concentrate, drank
    Wednesday - feel better, little easier to concentrate

Even someone with no mental illness and not taking any 'crazy' drugs, if they drank like me, it would probably start to affect their moods.  What if not drinking makes me more agitated because my body has grown dependent on it?  What if I need to drink to feel better the next day?  

Today I have still had problems concentrating and staying on task.  Some real agitation and anxiety are breaking through.  It sometimes feels hard to take a full breath, like I'm forgetting to breathe.

September 29, 2015

Neutral Milk Hotel

It's hard to know where I'd be without ever listening to the album "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel.  What a joyful yet heart-breaking circus of an album.

It has been such a salve throughout the years.  Often filling me with gratitude and appreciation of my world.  Often bringing me to tears as the sadness and pressures that are barely in control break through.  These burst to the surface as Jeff Mangum earnestly sings the breathtaking lyrics. Poetic images and words that remain impenetrable to me in their meaning.  Yet I cannot imagine a single word being different.

It is like an unpolished gem only half visible that you never want to completely uncover.  You experience a raw beauty even though it remains in the surrounding stone.  Its true value incalculable.  It can only be imagined.  Somehow a perfection impossible for the finest cut diamonds to attain.

September 28, 2015

The common cold

Depression is sinking in.  As bipolar II this is mostly what I experience.

The 'usual suspects'

  • Stopped helping out with dishes
  • Haven't shaved, showered, or brushed teeth
  • Motivation and discipline at work completely fallen off.  Got very little done yesterday.
  • No energy
  • Sleeping too much

Today is Friday.  I missed my Abilify 2 mg last Friday-Monday.  Just from stupidly not picking it up from the pharmacy.  When I took it Tuesday I thought I felt an immediate lift.  Mary thinks missing those days explains my feeling down now but I am a bit skeptical.  Abilify seems to work very quickly and I would expect I would bounce back.

I think it's more likely that I started to get sick on Thursday, a nasty cold.  Can feeling bad physically really trigger such a sinking?  I'm not sure.  I certainly do feel tired from it.  And it's hard to focus at work.  Not getting much done at work then triggers feelings of guilt which then feeds into more avoidance behavior.

September 22, 2015


(In which I try to sound interesting)

It's hard to begin anything like this without getting over the feelings of being pretentious, self-indulgent, and silly.

The question is why to write a blog and send it out to the ether?  I guess my ultimate (and possibly self-important) wish is that I could write something that would be found and resonate with someone like me.  But I'll try to accept that will likely not happen.