Monday, November 23, 2015
My manic lamp
I've had one long lasting mania with euphoria, grandiosity, distractibility, sleeplessness, and heightened activity. It was immediately after Green Bean was born. That's the one I ended up hospitalized for and getting my diagnosis.
Anyway, during the mania I think I "saw" things in a way I'd never seen them. I had never really liked this lamp. I have a vivid memory of lying in bed on my side looking at the nightstand and seeing this lamp. My wife knew I needed to get some sleep. I was exhausted yet completely wired. There was no way I was going to fall asleep.
As I started at the lamp the pendants hanging from the lampshade looked stunningly beautiful. It was as if I was seeing the lamp for the first time. I just laid there and marveled at it. I commented to my wife how I had not appreciated it before and how pretty it was, but there was no way to communicate at the time how captivated I was.
It was one of the few moments I remember where I slowed down. So much of the time was a blur as I rearranged furniture, hospital papers, and everything else around the house.
There's no real significance to the lamp itself, except to remind me that I can't dismiss everything that happened while I was manic. Yes I wasn't sleeping, volatile, doing all sorts of pointless activities, and eventually becoming near psychotic. But at the same time I was seeing the extraordinary in objects that had always been around me. I was hearing the sublime in music I had listened to countless times before. It's thought provoking to me that we are all perhaps neuron firings away from being blown away by the beauty of the everyday.