May 19, 2016

The glass isn't half anything

(In which I rant about the glass being half full or half empty)

There has been depression, marital distress, and other stuff happening.  None of which I felt like blogging about particularly.  So I revert back to the daily prompt document I have.  The silly prompt for the day I checked (almost a week ago) was "Is the glass half-full, or half-empty?"

April 28, 2016

Recovering from someone else's surgery

(In which I become worthless)

On Monday I drove my parents to a hospital an hour away to get my dad's battery changed that powers his deep brain stimulation for Parkinson's.  It was a minor surgery that lasted less than an hour, went off without a hitch, and he continues to make a painless recovery.

April 20, 2016

God's not dead vs. God doesn't exist

(In which I pretend to know something about something)

I don't have much to talk about my daily life or thoughts on bipolar recently.  I also like to rant into the ether.  I picture myself foaming at the mouth shouting to the void.  So... this is a rant about the title only of the "God's Not Dead" films. Some things to note:

I am not intentionally trying to be inflammatory or attack anyone's views.  I am more irritated with the choice of the title as it seems disingenuous.

April 18, 2016

Are we the Albert Alexander of mental illness?

(In which I am jealous of the possible mental health treatments available in the future)

I saw this thing on TV once about Albert Alexander who got an infection from a cut from a rose thorn, started to get better from manufactured penicillin, but then died from the infection because they could not manufacture enough penicillin in time.

April 15, 2016

Target parking lot "Atmosphere"

This Wednesday night I had a tantrum with Mary that (in hindsight) was really juvenile.  I was exhausted after work.  I could barely keep my eyes open even sitting up straight.  It was ten minutes before Phillip's (my son with autism if you haven't read earlier posts) bedtime.  I started to think whether my exhaustion was due to work or whether I was at a low energy point due to mental illness.  Feelings of self-pity and entitlement flooded through me.  I thought, "How often do I really reach for help from Mary?  Don't I hold my own most of the time?  I am so exhausted I'm not sure I can even handle putting him to bed. What a help it would be if she would do it for me!"

April 12, 2016

Why I am going to blog about my bipolar medications

(In which I act superior)

Update: I've decided I'm not really going to write about my medications.  Not specifically.

I must first say that the obvious reason I'll talk about my medications is because no one is reading this and I'm anonymous.  I have a disclaimer stating I'm an idiot, ahem, not a professional.  If you think you should learn anything from my medications you should not.

April 11, 2016

Landscaping therapy

(In which I think about how I never exercise)

I spent most of the weekend landscaping my front yard.  As a birthday present my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Mary's dad all pitched in Sunday morning as well.  That may have been the best birthday present I've ever received.  Today I am extremely sore.  I was using muscles I don't normally use and pushing my weak-ass body to its limits.

April 8, 2016

Is Twitter good for my mental health?

(In which I feel so cool because I joined Twitter)

I'm new to Twitter (follow me as  @frustratedmess!) which is probably obvious to maybe the one follower who is actually reading my tweets.  I'm trying to follow the etiquette.  I like and retweet other's tweets.

April 7, 2016

Am I truly unashamed?

Today there is an effort to get #imnotashamed trending on Twitter.  I've tried to do my part by tweeting.  Not sure if multiple tweets by the same user really gets a trend going. 

I've been thinking whether I am completely without shame.  What would that mean?  I've tried to break it down into as many social areas where I could feel shame.

April 6, 2016

Do I speak gently or harshly?

Daily prompt for April 6th - Head to your favorite blog.  Scroll down to the third post in the list.  Take the third sentence in the post, and work it into a new post of your own.

One of my new favorite blogs is dad;diagnosed and this post On Advocacy happened to be the third post down.  The third sentence is "Do I speak gently or harshly?"

I have to admit I cheated a bit and went to another blog first, but the sentence was about kidney pain.  This second one I visited... what luck!

April 5, 2016

Bipolar On Fire Blog

I've been reading a lot of bipolar related blogs at the Bipolar Blogger Network and one of my favorites is Bipolar On Fire.  There is a wonderful mix of honesty, humor, and stream of consciousness coping with bipolar that I think many blogs aspire to.  For example, in this post the author makes light that her most read post is about a celebrity's anus.  Not to say that the she isn't aware of general knowledge and trends that are out there in relation to mental health.  For example, in this post she summarizes and reflects on spoon theory and why she thinks it is suspect.  Overall I find myself interested in her struggles, her daily life, her well being, and her insights.

April 4, 2016

Good news finds it way in

Great news!  Phillip went to get checked by the school nurse and he is lice free and was able to return to school.  Thank goodness.  We feel like we can breath a little easier and the house is feeling more like a home than a source of infestation.

After a morning of getting little work done, I have moved into bed with my laptop.  While extremely cozy, this is an undoubtedly bad idea.  I think I’m making the odds a million to one that I get anything else done.  I’m not entirely sure why I’m so unproductive today.  I can’t quite distinguish the boundaries between anxiety, apathy, and a general unwillingness to work.

April 1, 2016

The Lice Chronicles Part I

(In which my son gets lice)
I realize that is a horrifying picture over there.  It expresses a bit of the terror I am feeling after yesterday.  This is part I of the “Lice Chronicles”.  I am desperately hoping there is no part II.

Thursday was an example of how a crisis can sometimes override a mood. I was lucky enough that while I am struggling with what seems to be mild cycling, I was not so depressed that I couldn't rise to the challenge nor was I manic and unable to maintain the necessary focus.

March 30, 2016

World Bipolar Day

I feel compelled to at least post something about this day.  I'd go read a bunch of links in blahpolar's link dump.  Some really good stuff there including the questioning of whether there needs to be a "day" for everything?  Also worth reading is this excellent article about Van Gogh and bipolar.

March 29, 2016

RIP Patty Duke

I know next to nothing about Patty Duke.  I didn't know she had bipolar or was a mental health advocate.  I grew up with no access to television which included any reruns of old shows.  I've never seen her television show or The Miracle Worker.  In case you didn't know any of this either, I thought I'd make this post about her passing.  I think it's good to know about mental health advocates and be grateful for the impact they had.  I think it's good to know about public figures that have bipolar and were articulate and realistic about it.

Image credit: Wikipedia

March 28, 2016

Racing thoughts, no work done

Almost seem to be cycling these last three days.
Saturday I was extremely irritable. I felt miserable. Had no patience for kids or Mary. I know it was terrible to be around me. I was just so low. No energy.  We went out to a restaurant and Phillip screamed multiple times. It was so stressful. Then we drove around to look at other landscaping in the neighborhood.

March 26, 2016

Five depressions a week for life

What the fuck am I doing buying scratch-offs? I guess the fantasy is that I'm going to win and not have to work anymore. No shit. Why does anyone buy them? But really, the question isn't why buy them, but why tonight. Because it's become a goddamn habit.  So here I am wasting money. Fucking loser.

March 24, 2016

Full neck beard equals depressed

Title says it all.  I haven't shaved in about eleven days.  Haven't washed my hair in six.  I look a mess.  This is what my depression looks like people.  Sleeping 10-12 hours a night.
Feel like I can't talk about it b/c it's March.  And I'm "allowed" to be depressed end of January and beginning of July.  I fear Mary has no patience for this.  I'll get encouraged to exercise, do something I enjoy, change my medication, go see my pdoc.
I have counseling today.  I thought about cleaning up.  But why should I hide how I'm feeling?  Thinking of trying Latuda in case it's cheaper than the Abilify.  I doubt it is. I need to see if I can find a coupon for Abilify. I pay $7 a pill now for generic which just seems like utter bullshit.  Anyway, I've been better. I've been worse. Life marches on.

March 23, 2016

Butterfly breathing

More racing thoughts.  Work productivity is a little better, but I wouldn't say by much.  I've managed to make a little more progress on one simple bug.  On a good day this bug should take an hour.  I'm going on a day and a half at this point.
How am I supposed to focus when I am this distractable and filled with restless energy?  It's almost like akathisia but I can't imagine why I would be experiencing that.

March 16, 2016

Shit falls apart

That's what is happening these days... shit seems to be falling apart.

The house
Our house is losing 25 gallons an hour.  There are no obvious internal signs like wet carpet etc. so at least we got that going for us.  But we can't figure out what it is.  The plumber is coming tomorrow.  Hopefully it's just the toilets.  Hopefully the home warranty will cover the repairs.  Otherwise I'm not sure what the hell we're spending $60 a month on.

February 17, 2016

SADS = no posts

It's really not surprising at all that I haven't posted from January 20th to February 17th.  This is one of the worst periods of the year.  I think somehow in conjunction with bipolar I have SADS.  Or maybe it's just the bipolar.  Either way I get seasonal depression here and during early July.  It's a toss up which is worse.

January 20, 2016

Sick and furious

So the whole family is sick (yay).  Jacob has an ear infection.  Phillip probably has an ear infection but being non-verbal he can't really tell us.  And Mary is worst of all of us.  She probably has pneumonia, but hasn't gone to the doctor.

I've got body ache, sore throat, and a massive headache.  January is catching up with me I think.  The light therapy has definitely lessened my normal depression, but being sick in January just blows.

January 4, 2016

"Your illness isn't interesting" aka "Why blog?"

So much has happened since my last post that I'm a bit overwhelmed on how to summarize it.  It's hard to know what's going to be even slightly interesting to read or have any value whatsoever in a month.

When something is difficult and challenging, my fallback is to go "meta" and start thinking about the activity of blogging itself.  Why am I even doing this?