January 4, 2016

"Your illness isn't interesting" aka "Why blog?"

So much has happened since my last post that I'm a bit overwhelmed on how to summarize it.  It's hard to know what's going to be even slightly interesting to read or have any value whatsoever in a month.

When something is difficult and challenging, my fallback is to go "meta" and start thinking about the activity of blogging itself.  Why am I even doing this?

Reasons I can think of:

  1. I was a bit hypomanic when it started.  I couldn't focus on anything and doing this was a way of feeling like I at least was getting something done.  It didn't require prolonged periods of concentration.  It was a fun distraction.
  2. I thought it might be therapeutic.  To sort of rant to the nothingness of the Internet.  Regardless of whether anyone ever listened.  To have a diary that no one I knew would read, but would still be very personal.  To say things I wouldn't say to anyone.
  3. I wanted a high level view of my changing moods and activities.  That is potentially helpful.
Well, after just a few months I find myself doubting all this.  Isn't it tremendously arrogant to just spew this stuff out?

And I think I can summarize the biggest argument against continuing in one statement... "Your illness isn't interesting"

Is it interesting at all to read an account of someone who is bipolar but relatively high functioning most of the time?  Perhaps not.  Doesn't make for good theater.  The suspenseful ups and downs of someone in constant chaotic flux seems much more captivating.

On the other hand, this is my blog.  Can't I be proud of it and keep at it?  Maybe my children can read it later when they are adults... assuming Phillip is capable of reading in the future (weeps).

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