June 5, 2018

Drying up

(In which I whine about my lack of writing)

So it's May.  And I haven't blogged since early December.  And I had a total of five posts last year. I contacted the administrator of Bipolar Blogger Network letting them know of my total inactivity and that I would understand if my blog was removed from the list.  I got no response and mercifully my blog remains on the list.  At one point I was trying to track how many readers I got (maybe 5) but I'm just so not caring about that any longer.

I'm just not writing.  Yet things are happening that seem noteworthy in my life... or at least beyond the monotony.  For example:

  • I started smoking marijuana heavily from October to February.  It was seriously affecting my marriage and being a good father.  My cognition and memory started to suffer (and thus my job suffered).  I threw it away in February and haven't smoked since then.
  • While smoking, I started drinking heavily too.  Once I stopped smoking the drinking continued.  I saw my psychiatrist three weeks ago and he blatantly said, "You can't drink".  I haven't had a drink since Mother's Day.  That has been tough which obviously means the drinking had gotten out of hand.
  • I have experienced more work stress in the past 4 months than ever.  A 3 month project is a month behind and still not done (although nearly).  I've worked a few 50+ hour weeks which may not sound like much but has been really tough for my mental health
And there you have it... the last four or five months reduced to three bullet points.  I wish I was more eloquent or rigorous with the blog.  Looking back, this blog has been an exciting and meaningful part of my life at several different times.  I think that's important and I don't want to minimize that.  And here I am again for some reason writing even though it's been almost six months.  So perhaps it's coming to be another time.

So thus the title "Drying up".  I'm concerned that I will stop altogether.  That's not the only reason I'm writing today.  I think I needed to start somewhere again.  I can't go back and really give a good synopsis of all that time I was high.  A lot of it was a sad blur.  Getting high for me starts out and I like to try to record the experience in some way (pictures or writing) as if it will be interesting later or as if it's a creative act.  Then getting high just becomes a daily thing and even the recording "dries up".  I'm not drying up as a dad and husband.  I think I'm doing better than I have in a while.  But recovery doesn't have to be boring.  There's something worthwhile to reflect on even while I'm well.  

And if you're bored there's always the very surface blog that I have fun with on Tumblr.

Here's to not drying up and to writing more the rest of 2018.

Good wishes to anyone reading this.  Hang in there if it's a shitty time.  Sometimes my bipolar depression flips so fast it makes my head spin.  It's disorienting but after years and years it has given me the patience and foresight to totally say 'Fuck you' to suicidal thoughts.  If you're having them I hope you can see them as symptoms and not listen to them.  I know that's extremely difficult.  Keep moving. 

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