August 21, 2018

Perfection (sarcasm)

(Recent sobriety going perfectly)

So my last drink was 48 hours ago (August 8th).  LOL.  Yesterday was ok but I'm feeling extremely agitated today.  I walked away from work about 3 hours early.  With no permission.  As a telecommuter just rolling the dice and hoping there won't be repercussions.

It's a date night.  A precious rare treat.  I should be utterly thrilled.  It's not as if I don't want to spend time with Mary.  It's just a general tiredness and hopelessness that I'm feeling right now that has the potential to ruin the whole thing.  It's sad when you think you have to put on a happy face for your wife.  If you're reading this Mary, I'm sorry... I'm going to do my best to make it a fun night.

Mary knows my blog address.  I've had conflicted feelings about that fact.  On the one hand, it seems unhealthy to keep a secret from your spouse.  On the other hand, it can be limiting.  Not that I'd be constantly complaining about her (she's awesome in so many ways).  Or even close to that.  It's more like I think I can't fully reveal the awful shit.  I don't want to worry her.  But she worries about everything... so maybe it wouldn't matter that much if I just purged the filth without thinking about it.

On a fun financial note it costs us a small fortune to go out for the evening.  Our babysitter (who we are immensely lucky to have at all) will be with Phillip for five hours or more.  Most of that time he'll be sleeping.  But just putting him to bed can be a stressful thing.  She's been with us now for eight years.  Started watching after Jacob when he was just two or younger.  Was watching Phillip before his diagnosis.  In general, if you can find a caregiver (babysitter is a stupid word when dealing with caring for a child with autism) you are truly fortunate.  Even if respite isn't that often, it's still invaluable.

I've been listening to nothing else but the Skeleton Tree album by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds.  It's certainly a bad idea for my mental health.  I've also watched the documentary One More Time with Feeling twice.  It's on Amazon Prime right now for free.  It was recorded in the aftermath of his son's death who fell from a cliff.  As horrible as that sounds, I still (obviously) think both the album and film are fantastic.

Update: I've been using an app called  Sober Time to track how long since my last drink.  It's 12.69 days now.  You can also set how much you think you spent a day on alcohol and it will calculate your savings.  I set to $5.50 which I think is quite conservative.  So that's $69.78 I've "saved" so far.

No comments:

Post a Comment