June 30, 2019

Just another Sunday

Sunday nights are conflicting
I'm really going to have an unpleasant Monday morning. My annual review at work. A presentation I'm supposed to do, but I'm unprepared for. And here I am blogging under the influence. Super Silver Haze. My wife is sick and can barely breathe. My son won't go to sleep. Been listening to Berlin today. Going to have to give him melatonin. This blogger free pro is a great app. It cracks me up it's called free pro. 

June 22, 2019

Summer solstice 2019

Yesterday was the summer solstice. As I've written about before, I'm convinced I enter a depressed state about 1-3 weeks after the solstice. Which can often flip into a mixed state. Mixed states are the most dangerous. Horribly depressed but with enough agitated energy to possibly act on suicidal thoughts. Few (including my pdoc) believe it's a real thing.  My wife is acutely aware this is a crappy time. She noticed this pattern before I did.

Work this past year has been more stressful than ever. I'm slowly getting pushed into being the leader of a team. We're also trying having hard deadlines every three months. We've missed every date so far which it's hard not to feel like a failure from that.

Today I've felt like jumping out of my skin. That nervous feeling like nothing is right. Which makes me wander around the house doing miscellaneous cleaning and feeling like I'm forgetting something. So unpleasant. I don't know how to shake it. Alcohol helps but of course I'm not supposed to drink. Nevertheless I picked up a six pack at the drive through liquor store that is a two minute drive from my house.

June 20, 2019

Love will tear us apart

I put a zero pixel image on my brain. It felt great.  Below is what I'll call uber mensch with Cheetohs.

Mildly stable

For several reasons... I've found some control back in my life. Mostly through my wife's actions which are so helpful.
And that is about all there is my dude. Been playing a lot of Mario Kart. Listening to spotify playlist with A$AP Rocky, Forest Swords, Sparklehorse, Lana del Rey, etc.
Even if I don't have much to say I am going to try blogging more. Just random thoughts seems acceptable to me. 

June 17, 2019


 (In which I am blogging but shouldn't be and really have nothing to say)

This random photo is a sculpture my roommate Jimbo created and gave to me.  It's really nice.  I keep it on my desk.

Work is absolutely destroying me now as far as stress goes.  I am actually starting to wonder if I'm just going to keel over one day from a heart attack.  It really does feel like that sometimes.

Thus the self-medication