June 22, 2019

Summer solstice 2019

Yesterday was the summer solstice. As I've written about before, I'm convinced I enter a depressed state about 1-3 weeks after the solstice. Which can often flip into a mixed state. Mixed states are the most dangerous. Horribly depressed but with enough agitated energy to possibly act on suicidal thoughts. Few (including my pdoc) believe it's a real thing.  My wife is acutely aware this is a crappy time. She noticed this pattern before I did.

Work this past year has been more stressful than ever. I'm slowly getting pushed into being the leader of a team. We're also trying having hard deadlines every three months. We've missed every date so far which it's hard not to feel like a failure from that.

Today I've felt like jumping out of my skin. That nervous feeling like nothing is right. Which makes me wander around the house doing miscellaneous cleaning and feeling like I'm forgetting something. So unpleasant. I don't know how to shake it. Alcohol helps but of course I'm not supposed to drink. Nevertheless I picked up a six pack at the drive through liquor store that is a two minute drive from my house.

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